How often have you caught yourself going back into the past with the feeling of regret on the opportunities missed, the words you wished you had never said, and the things you would do differently if you could turn back the clock?
At times the feeling of regret can be so overwhelming that it’s like a dragnet pulling you down into a dark abyss of unhappiness. But according to author Daniel H. Pink regret is a fundamental part of our lives and can help us make smarter and better decisions in the future.
Based on the World Regret Survey, Pink has identified four core regrets.
Foundation regrets. These are regrets on the human need for some form of stability. Pink quotes Jason who says: “I regret not saving money diligently ever since I started working. It’s nearly crushing every day to think about how hard I’ve worked for the last twenty-five years or so, but financially I have nothing to show for it.”
Boldness regrets. Over time we are much more likely to regret the chances we didn’t take than the chances we did, whether its work choices, education or the choice of a partner. Foregone opportunities can be especially haunting during times of stress and pain.
Moral regrets. Most people wish to be seen as good people. But over time morally dubious decisions can be gnawing such as swindling in a business or cheating on a spouse.
Connection regrets. According to Pink fractured or unrealized relationships with spouses, partners, parents, friends, and all other close relationships constitute the largest deep structure category of regret.
We can set very high standards to the self and are at times our own worst critic. The melancholy sadness and regret over that which was and is no more is not only debilitating but prevents you from moving forward. Many of our regrets can in fact be undone by making amends, reversing bad choices, and taking a different perspective by posing the questions: What did I need to learn and how can I make a better choice in moving forward? If I’ve harmed others, can I make amends through an apology or some form of emotional or material restitution?
Was the regret merely an unpleasant incident in your life or does it define your life? Practicing self-care and self-compassion can neutralize some of those feelings if you treat yourself like you would be treating your best friend.
You forge your identity with the story that you tell yourself. The first step is acceptance of that feeling or emotion of regret and replacing it with a positive thought moving forward. “I made a bad decision. I feel terrible about it. But I lovingly accept myself the way I am. I am harvesting from the rich experience and moving positively forward.”
In loving yourself you build the ability to nurture and better serve your relationships. The lesson of a door slammed shut is to do better next time.
Reino Gevers – Author – Mentor – Speaker
P.S. If you’ve found this article of interest you might want to read more in my books. “The Turning of the Circle: Embracing Nature’s Wisdom for Purposeful Living” has just been published. You might also find my other books “Deep Walking for Body, Mind and Soul” and “Walking on Edge: A Pilgrimage to Santiago” of interest – available where all good books are sold.
ReinosBlog 